Transmuting Shame.

✨ I’m transmuting my shame into gratitude ✨

I overshared with a client.

Completely trauma dumped all over her.  I didn’t mean to, that’s not usually my style with clients.  Usually I’m the one opening up safe space for others to process and grapple with and accept some deep shit.

But it just came out… all of the shit I’ve been processing over the previous few weeks.

I got home from the session and binged 5 hours of Abbott Elementary - Totally dissociated from everything.

This shit has been weighing on me, heavy. And I think it was the first time I let it just SUCK, without trying to rush the healing.

I’ve done enough healing from different kinds of abuse (thank you therapy!) to know that the things I’m processing are not my fault.  That the things that have happened in my life speak volumes more about the people who commit those acts, than they do about me.

Trust me, I KNOW.

But it’s still been something that’s been pushed to the back burner, other crises calling dibs for my attention.

And then… it just slipped out. In a professional setting. With a paying client.  A year ago I would have been mortified.  Trapped in a shame spiral for days.

I’ll be honest, the shame did cross my mind this time.

But I realized that even more than the shame I was feeling for not showing up PERFECTLY every moment of ever day…

I felt so much gratitude that this babe who came into the studio is such a safe space that I felt comfortable enough to share something so raw with her.  I am so grateful that she is who she is, and that I felt safe enough to bring all parts of me to the table.  Good, bad, and traumatized.

I’m grateful that I’ve been calling in people to my life and my business that are just as healing for me, as I am for them.

And this new found gratitude? I’m applying that to every embarrassing memory.  Every shameful situation.

My shame doesn’t define me. And expressing raw emotions isn’t an embarrassment.

I’m grateful for the times I felt uninhibited enough to show up completely unmasked.  I am grateful for the spaces that have been safe for me to do so.  And I am grateful for the situations that have taught me discernment, when it was later revealed that it wasn’t safe to share those things and those pieces of myself with those people. 

I am grateful that there have been times in my life that I answered the call to be my whole self.  I am grateful for the things my shame has pointed out to me.  The ways she’s tried to keep me safe.

But I am so grateful that she gets a seat at my table, and this time with a new name card.