I Gained Weight Before My Session.

I freaked out before my own boudoir session.

I had spent thousands of dollars. A couple few thousands.  And I’d gained at least 10 pounds.

at LEAST.

When I booked my session - I think it was February - I’d just recommitted myself to the gym. To get stronger and firmer and get back to building the booty of my dreams.

And then I didn’t step foot in a gym for the entire 10 months leading up to my session. I’d gained weight, gotten softer, bigger, rounder in places I didn’t wanna be rounder, flatter in places I was desperate to make round…

Once my session date kept creeping closer, I realized the body I was living in was DEFINITELY not worthy of having spent that much money on. THOUSANDS of dollars on a body that looked like this? On a body that had changed for the “worse”?

Fuuuuuuuuuck no.

She didn’t deserve it.  She’d been lazy all year, hadn’t make it to the gym and sure as shit wasn’t doing anything outside the gym. 

Sure, she’d been processing and healing from a toxic someone telling her that she should look a certain way, dress a certain way, and should probably get a BBL because her body just wasn’t proportional. Literally his words “bigger isn’t a problem, as long as it’s proportional.” But absolutely said in a tone that meant “Ok, big back, you look freaking terrible at this size cuz your lower half isn’t keeping up…”

Sure, he fucked her mindset about her own body. Sure, she was finally free from the emotional manipulation. Sure, she was rebelling a bit because her body was finally out from under the scrutiny.

But none of that mattered, right?

I was fatter than I had been when I booked the session. I was softer. I was gross-er. And that bigger body I showed up with was WAY less worthy of having beautiful photographs taken of it, right?

Cuz… ewwww.

RIGHT?!

Oh… No?  You don’t think so?

You don’t think that jack ass had any right to make me feel that way? You don’t think my body is gross-er now that I’m heavier? You don’t think it changed whether or not I deserved to have an experience that I so freely offer to other women?

You think I should give myself some grace because the pictures turned out amazing? Because even being bigger, I still looked GREAT!

You think I should be more compassionate about the way healing from mental and emotional abuse showed up for me? You think it’s perfectly ok that the healing in those arenas made me not want to focus on my body at all?

Yeah, me too.

Because life is freaking hard. Separating yourself from people whose goal is to tear you down and shrink you (literally AND metaphorically) is TOUGH. And healing from that level of pain and degradation is welcome, in whatever form it comes.

I think I deserved that boudoir session, hands down. I think I booked it with amazing intentions, and the Divine Timing of it taught me more than I was expecting.

You and I both agree that I should have been met with love and understanding from myself - otherwise you probably wouldn’t have made it this far.

And I think you should be giving yourself that same grace and compassion.  😘

Just sayin.

No here, enjoy some more of my favorite photographs from MY session, photographed by Kierra Josette.